I'm having another of those 1 in the morning epiphanies of mine, in which I realize how much things around me have changed, for better or for worse. It seems like it's been a long time coming, but this all started in July, when my little world stopped. Since then, I've had a hell of a time of it. But, I digress.
Back in the first week of July, my boyfriend of just shy of 16 months broke up with me. I can't say I didn't see it coming, but it still hurt nonetheless. I also can't say I deserved it either, but that's neither here nor there. The healing time, according to my friend Katie is either half of, or the entire length of the relationship; as it is now, I'm just over the three-month mark, so I've got a long ways to go before that wound is completely healed. In addition to that, I finally got in trouble with the cops--to make a long story short, I got pulled over on 695 just before Falls Road by a state trooper who clocked me in at 23 miles over the speed limit. Court appearance is the 27th of this month. To celebrate my horrendous luck in that department, I called up Katie, and she dyed my hair jet black, and it stayed that way until just last weekend.
However, there are fortunately more good things that have happened to me since then that outweigh the bad. My job this summer paid me much more than I had expected, and I'm looking at getting a promotion next summer, so more hours, more money--woot. I got to spend almost a whole month house-sitting for various people, so I didn't have to live at home. My course load is significantly lighter, so much of the weight to classwork is off, but there's still enough to keep me busy, and for once, I'm not behind in anything by midterm. The new swimmies are light-hearted and are helping me feel like the mentor I strive to be for them, and CuJo is showing no signs of abating the solid practices he gives us, which I'm actually looking forward to. I feel very strong this season, and I'm determined to give this one everything I have.
Speaking of giving everything I have, I'm back on the stage, which is a huge relief for me since I felt like a large part of my life was missing when I didn't perform. "The Sound of Music" opens this weekend at St. Matthew's, and although I play a mere nun, I haven't felt better in my life. I never realized how truly happy I am when I'm on stage, whether in the spotlight or not, and this production has gone a long way towards healing that wound. The best part of it all was due to a string of unusual circumstances. The understudy for Maria (who was already guaranteed one performance) had to drop out two weeks before opening; the director called me, and asked me if I would take over the role. Everyone is so happy for me, and no one is more so than I. Getting the lead in a show, even if for only a night hasn't inflated my ego at all, and has humbled me to know that so many people count on me. Being on stage and playing Maria helps me to re-evaluate some of my own life problems, and I feel very strongly that when I do play Maria, I'm still about 95% Renee, and 5% Maria Rainer.
Despite the conspicuous animosity between the people who have chosen to disappear from my life, I know that I've slowly begun to heal. And based on something I read in someone else's journal, I can truly say...
"I have confidence in confidence alone...
Besides which you see
I have confidence in me!"
Thank you each and every one of you out there who have touched my life in any way to make the the person I am today, and who have given me the power to stand up, take the lead, and inspire others to follow their dreams.
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RENT The Movie:
1. Joanne looks like Dr. Peterson, the communications professor at CND.
2. Roger looks like Alex Cecchetti.
3. All the music in that show should have been included in the actual film itself.
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Thought that would get your attention.
The Matthew Players is looking for a few male actors to play Nazis in their production of "The Sound of Music" opening October 14th 15th, 20th, 21st, and 22nd. No singing necessary, possible dancing for party scene. If you know anyone or are interested yourself, leave a message here, and we'll pass on the word to you.
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| Date: | 2006-07-18 23:44 |
| Subject: | |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: |  mellow | | Music: | fans whirring in the window |
200. My middle name is: Aubrey
199. I was born on: December 28th, 1986
198. I am a (zodiac): Capricorn
197. My cell phone: sucks. I need a new one
196. My eye color is: blue-gray-green
195. My shoe size is: 9 wide, or 9 1/2 regular
194. My ring size is: actually smaller than my shoes--7
193. My height is: 5'4.5"
192. I am allergic to: beats me
191. I was born in: Maryland
190. I live in: Towson
189. The last book I read: Heaven and Earth
88. My bed is: super soft, and the love of my bedroom
187. One thing I know for sure about the opposite sex: they try too damn hard to be subtle
186. I am glad I'm my sex because: high heels rock, and when I walk like a woman in them, I feel sexy
179. My favorite Holiday is: CHRISTMAS!!!!
178. The perfect kiss is: one that makes your vision go all blurry
177. The last three cd's: I haven't listened to a CD since like, May
176. Last song that made me cry was: Breathe (2 AM)
172. My most treasured possession(s) is(are): my car, my NR books, my friendship with KEG and RAM (they know who they are)
170. What did you do last night? Had a powwow at Friendly's with TEKY, Katie and Mara; hung out with Mark
:::::I Do (YES)/Do Not (NO) Believe In:::::
142. Love at first sight? Yes
141. Luck? Yes
140. Fate? Yes
139. God? Yes
138. Aliens? Yes
137. Heaven? Sure
136. Hell? sure
135. Ghosts? Yes
134. Horoscopes? Yes
133. Soulmates? Yes
:::::Which is Better?:::::
129. Hugs or Kisses? Depends. I like to be held a lot.
128. Drunk or High: Neither, cuz then I have to play Mom
127. Phone or Online: depends on the situation
126. Red heads or Black hair: Both, I've been both. I like them both. Deal.
125. Blondes or Brunettes: Brunettes
124. Hot or cold: Cold
123. Summer or winter: Depends. I like both a lot really.
122. Coffee or tea: Coffee in the AM, tea at night
121. Chocolate or vanilla: Chocolate
120. Night or Day: during the summer, i can't tell the difference.
119. Oranges or Apples: Apples
118. Curly or Straight hair: I like my curly hair, but by birth, my hair is straight
:::::Here's What I Think About:::::
116. Abortion: I would never do it. End of discussion.
115. Backstabbers: What goes around comes around. They'll get theirs eventually
114. Parents: they get more relaxed and more fun to be around when you only see them every few days
::::MISC::::
90. Who is the ditziest person you know: Katie Medved (I think she even beats Suzy)
89. Who makes you laugh the most: Katie and Andy
87. One thing I'm mad about right now is: not being able to let go of obligations and take a damn vacation
83. The last movie I saw: Animal House
82. The thing I don't understand is: how anyone can seriously think doing drugs is satisfying
80. The most unsatisfactory answer I've ever received: "whatever"
76. This summer I am: working, working, working...did I say working?
75. Something I will really miss when I leave home is: feeling that when I come home, it will no longer be "my home."
74. The thing that I'm looking forward to the most: getting back to swim season
74. The thing that I'm not looking forward to is: the end of summer
73. Tomorrow: I'm going to attempt to sleep in, then I'm working
72. Today: I worked three different jobs, then hung with my best guy friend
71. Next Summer: I'll be working nonstop again, because it's what I do
70. Next Week: I'll be working. See a pattern yet?
67. People call me: Nay :)
62. The person who knows the most about me is: Katie. Hands down
61. The person that can read me the best is: Katie again
60. The most difficult thing to do is: Let go.
59. I have gotten a speeding ticket: Nope--they can't catch me O:-)
56. My zodiac sign is: Capricorn. I said that already
55. The first person I was in love with was: Anthony Jennings (1st grade)
53. The one person who can't hide things from me: I dunno
51. Right now I am talking to: one of my exes, and a guy who's trying to hit on me
48. I have/will get a job at: WVSC
46. I hope: to be me
45. The worst sound in the world: retching
44. The person that makes me cry the most is: whoever cares enough to help me get through a tough time
35. Florida or Hawaii: I've been to Florida, so let's say Hawaii
33. My favorite piece of clothing: my lifeguard suit
32. My favorite sport is: Swimming/Diving
31. Last time I cried: 11 days ago
27. Last person I got mad at: Kara Cook, the little fucking bitch
26. My worst drinking experience was: so far, my first shot of whiskey
21. The all-time best thing in the world is: summertime talks in the moonlight after a huge rainstorm
19. The most annoying thing ever is: being the odd one out
18. The most annoying person you know is: hmm, that's a tough one
17. I lose all respect for people who: get spoiled and are handed things without working for them
16. The movies I have cried at are: I don't remember--I usually watch comedies
15. Closest friend: Katie
14. TV show you watch: I'm never home
13. Favorite web site: myspace or facebook
12. I want to be: The best I can.
10. My favorite phrase: "Lemme put it to you this way..."
9. My room is: clean, because I'm never home
8. My favorite celebrity is: Angelina Jolie. Always has been
5. My weakness is: failure
4. What turns me on is: reading romance novels and adding that knowledge to my banks of information
3. Who broke your heart: Shane
2. One thing that makes you feel great is: being told that I'm doing a great job
1. I filled out 200 questions because: you lied--it's not 200 questions
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DON'T FLASH HEADLIGHTS AT CARS WITH LIGHTS NOT ON!!!!!
Police officers working with DARE programs have issued this warning.
If you are driving after dark and see an on-coming car with no headlights on DO NOT FLASH YOUR LIGHTS AT THEM! This is a common Bloods member initiation game that goes like this.
The new gang member under initiation drives along with no headlights and the first car to flash their headlights at him is now his TARGET. He is now required to turn around and chase that car and shoot and kill everyone in the vehicle in order to complete his initiation. Police departments across the nation are being warned. Their intent is to have all the new Bloods nationwide drive around on Friday and Saturday nights with their headlights off. In order to be accepted into the gang, they have to shoot and kill all individuals in the first car that does a courtesy flash to warn them that their lights are off. Make sure you share this information with all of the drivers in your family.
Information received from the Oprah show.
PLease take care of yourselves, and pass this message on to any and all you meet to keep your loved ones safe.
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| Date: | 2006-04-18 21:58 |
| Subject: | |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: |  apathetic | | Music: | Sway--Michael Buble |
It seems like I've lost contact with all the people that matter most to me, and it all seems to be the fault of the damn Muslims. Fucking gas prices.
On a milder note, for any and all interested and available, I have a voice recital coming up on April 27th (that's a Thursday) at my school, CND in the chapel at 7 pm. Admission is free, and I'm going to be singing a lot of pretty stuff. Allow me to add that the last and only other time I've had a recital, no one but all the SSND and Jacky's family were there to support me. My own parents missed my first college voice recital.
Life has been just too boring and suffocating to document.
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| Date: | 2006-03-15 22:17 |
| Subject: | i hate spring break. |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: |  pissed off | | Music: | classical piano |
So much for a relaxing spring break. Every morning since my break started, I've had to get up before 6 on the weekdays, and 8 on the weekends. Why?
Because while my idiot coworkers are all still in school, I still have to drag my ass ten miles from fucking home at the crack of dawn, sit in an empty pool for an hour and a half, then drive home. Twice a fucking day.
I've done nothing this week but work, lay on my couch and watch sentimental old baby movies of my brother, read trashy romance novels, and eat my house out of fruit snacks. I haven't been able to sleep in, nor have I been able to fall back asleep after I return home each morning.
Time to pull a Jacky or a TEKY:
Dear God,
PLease tell all the ignorant principals around here that they need to make spring break the same week for all schools, so people aren't lonely.
Sincerely,
Renee
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| Date: | 2006-03-04 08:34 |
| Subject: | |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: |  awake | | Music: | snow music |
Stuff for everyone to watch if you find yourself uber bored. Thanks go to Minion and Munchkin.
http://www.storewars.org/flash/index.html <-- Jacky, if you haven't already seen this, I think you'll find it very interesting.
http://www.angryalien.com/ <-- Anyone who is too cheap to go to movies can watch 30 second parodies of them here.
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I love theater. That's all there is to it. But everytime I go to see a show, particularly when I see one with some of my younger friends in it, it makes me proud, but sad. I tear up sitting in the darkened theater seats, the ones with no cushions, and I wonder why...
Then, I realize. It's not because it's so horrible, it's awful, or even that it's so amazing or sad. It's because being in theater, being in a show is like being a part of a family. And I can't be a part of that anymore.
Oh sure, I can do other shows that are amazing, and now that I'm beginning to be trained, I can pull off roles that I couldn't before. But unless you're surrounded by other talented people such as yourself, there's really no point in pursuing it. Take "Charlie Brown," for instance. I was surrounded by a lot of amazing people who, despite being young, were very talented, and can only continue to improve. My own little brother, Linus, is now attending one of the best fine arts high schools in the area, and was the only freshman to score a lead in the high school musical. The people in the cast were very fun, lively, and fascinating people, and we clicked so well that from the beginning, nothing could stop us.
Then you take a show like the MAF performance of "Ragtime!" So much sound, and so much emotion came from so much talent and so much effort on the part of those who were seen, and those who weren't. I came out of that aurditorium in Stephen's Hall thinking, "I wish I could have been a part of that." Same with "Jekyll & Hyde."
To be completely honest, I'm very disappointed that my school doesn't do shows like that. I know, we're an all-female campus, and I know there's a select few that can actually sing and dance at the same time. But in the long run, I miss being part of an ensemble. I miss being able to sing, and dance, and go to hours-long rehearsals, and wear makeup, and spend three hours before curtain getting ready, and psyching up all my castmates, and knowing that I can make a difference in someone's night, just because I chose to step out of the real world, and become a fancy, a figment, a dream...
... a star.
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| Date: | 2006-02-22 22:04 |
| Subject: | priceless :) |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: | chipper | | Music: | Boondocks--Little Big Town |
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| Date: | 2006-02-15 13:11 |
| Subject: | |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: | pleased | | Music: | Memories of Us--Keith Urban |
RAD04gal: Can i ask you a civil question?
I R TEKY: yes
RAD04gal: How did you get your name?
I R TEKY: whu..?
RAD04gal: We were talking about the power of language in comm class this morning, and that topic about how people got their names came up
RAD04gal: and my professor mentioned that some jewish people she knows got their name from a deceased relative, took the first initial, and picked a name that started with that letter
I R TEKY: Oh yeah, my grandfather's brother was Joseph, my middle name
I R TEKY: You're supposed to use the whole name but some people modify it
RAD04gal: ohh
RAD04gal: I thought that was interesting, so I figured I'd ask you
I R TEKY: Yeah, I believe in that to a certain extent
I R TEKY: If Shane died I'd probably name my son Shane
RAD04gal: Really?
I R TEKY: yeah
wow...what a friend :D
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| Your Kissing Purity Score: 63% Pure | 
For you, kissing isn't a casual thing
Lip to lip action makes your heart sing |
| Your Love Life Secrets Are | 
Looking back on your life, you will have a few true loves.
You're a little scarred from your past relationships, but who isn't?
You expect a lot from your lover - you want the full package. You tend to be very picky.
In fights, you love to debate and defend yourself. You logic prevails - or at least you'd like to think so.
Getting over a break-up doesn't take long. Easy come, easy go. |
| You're an Expert Kisser | 
You're a kissing pro, but it's all about quality and not quantity
You've perfected your kissing technique and can knock anyone's socks off
And you're adaptable, giving each partner what they crave
When it comes down to it, your kisses are truly unforgettable |
| Gummy Bears | 
You may be smooshie and taste unnatural, but you're so darn cute. |
| What Your Sleeping Position Says |
You are calm and rational.
You are also giving and kind - a great friend.
You are easy going and trusting.
However, you are too sensible to fall for mind games. |
Your Seduction Style: The Charmer
|
You're a master at intimate conversation and verbal enticement.
You seduce with words, by getting people to open up to you.
By establishing this deep connection quickly, people feel under your power.
And then you've got them exactly where you want them!
|
| What Your Face Says | 
At first glance, people see you as down to earth and reliable.
Overall, your true self is moody and dynamic.
With friends, you seem dramatic, lively, and quick to react.
In love, you seem energetic - almost manic.
In stressful situations, you seem cheerful and optimistic. |
| You Are Sunshine | 
Soothing and calm
You are often held up by others as the ideal
But too much of you, and they'll get burned
You are best known for: your warmth
Your dominant state: connecting |
| All American Kid | 
Popular but not plastic. Athletic but not a jock. Smart but not a brain.
You were well rounded and well liked in high school. |
| You Are a Boston Creme Donut | 
You have a tough exterior. No one wants to mess with you.
But on the inside, you're a total pushover and completely soft.
You're a traditionalist, and you don't change easily.
You're likely to eat the same doughnut every morning, and pout if it's sold out. |
| You are a Great Girlfriend | 
When it comes to your guy, you're very thoughtful
But you also haven't stopped thinking of yourself
You're the perfect blend of independent and caring
You're a total catch - make sure your guy knows it too! |
| Your Ideal Marriage Proposal Is | 
After dinner at your favorite restaurant, at the spot where you first kissed. |
| He's a Keeper! | 
Your guy is a rare find: sweet, kind, and loyal.
And as long as he doesn't have three nippples,
You should seriously consider keeping him a long time
Sometimes a girl can't see a good thing when she's got one
So let me tell you: your guy is a gold medal boyfriend
Just make sure you treat him right in return! |
| He's Absolutely Committed to You! | 
Your guy is committed to you, as if you were alraedy married
And hopefully, you show the same commitment to him
While you may have had your ups and downs, you've smoothed things out
If the two of you aren't serious, you will be soon
So start secretly planning your wedding
It may happen sooner than you think! |
| You Are a Light Pink Rose | 
You represent sweetness and grace.
Your vibe: Kind and gentle
Falling in love with you: is like falling in love with a best friend |
| Your Relationship Will Last... A Long Time! | 
Your guy is ideal, as close to Mr. Perfect as he could be
If you took this quiz, you may be doubting that...
Don't! No guy is perfect but yours comes really close
You guys will last for many years, as long as you appreciate him! |
| Your Famous Movie Kiss is from The Princess Bride | 
"This is true love - you think this happens every day?" |
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It's that time of year again. Only this time, it's not me going through all this shit. Scary thought--it's my brother looking for colleges now, and news flash for the world: he wants to go to a school that has a good engineering program.
So, he's combing the schools over. Here's the specs; maybe you can help.
1.) It has to be a Division I excellent team for soccer.
2.) It needs a good engineering program.
3.) It needs to give him a full ride covering his feet, so he can work his way back into good graces (aka, his grades suck, and he hasn't taken the SAT's yet)
4.) It has to be on this side of the continent, far enough away that he can live away at school, but close enough that he can jump in the car and come home (as opposed to jumping a plane)
Anyone who feels compelled to lend their advice or assistance, that would be greatly appreciated :)
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That pretty much sums up dinner with the Rueter clan. Tonight, I went to the Baltimore Yacht Club with the McCormicks for dinner, and ::gulp:: my first opportunity meeting Shane's whole family. I was really nervous about the whole thing, even though I had a few people keeping me sane about it. Surprisingly enough, one was Aunt Teresa, Ms. Karen's little sister.
I dressed for success in a brand new outfit, just for the occasion: blue mohair off-the-shoulder sweater, and a brown and blue skirt from Body Central, and a pair of blue heels from PayLess ($10.50), spritzed on my favorite scent (Black Raspberry Vanilla), pulled out some sparkly earrings and a fake string of pearls, and gave myself a manicure/pedicure (thank you, Cori), but it didn't really help soothe my nerves. My daddy took some pictures of me in my new outfit before I left--I'll post them somehow, or just ask me, and I'll show them to you.
Finally, we left the house, and drove out to Middle River. Dinner was great--scalloped potatoes, beef, shrimp, chicken, green beans, hot dogs, noodles with marinara sauce, salad, chocolate mousse cake, apple pie, pumpkin pie, boston creme cake, orange roughy...and of course, french fries. It was incredible. The chocolate mousse cake was to die for.
Shane's cousin Brittany was lamenting Peyton Manning's awful game, so she continually got teased by everyone who cared to listen. The evening was such a blur, that when I walked out, I told Shane, "The only thing I'm going to remember about this whole night is French fries and the Colts." And indeed, I did.
Gaga and PopPop, thank you for extending the invitation for dinner to me.
Aunt Teresa, thank you for making me not nervous (well, less nervous.)
Munchkin, thank you for traipsing around the mall with me for four hours looking for the perfect outfit, and then the perfect shoes ;)
Ms. Karen, thanks for making me feel more at ease in my own skin.
Mr. Dale, thank you for saying more than two words all night long.
And best of all, thank you, Shane--thank you for sharing your family with me.
More later, people. <3
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| Date: | 2005-12-18 22:28 |
| Subject: | new survey time :) |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: |  contemplative | | Music: | Christmas Through Your Eyes |
1. What did you do in 2005 that you'd never done before?
I spent New Years Even in Florida, and I went snorkeling in the Florida Keys :)
2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I suck at keeping anything.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Well, Becky and Lisa aren't that close to me, but now that they have four children between the two of them, i think that's plenty.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
Brandon McCurdy. I wasn't that close to him, though.
5. What countries did you visit? Didn't go anywhere splendid this year :-\
6. What would you like to have in 2006 that you lacked in 2005?
A puppy (and how--a real one, though; i got my own dawg :)
7. What date from 2005 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
March 10th for sappy reasons
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Finishing freshman year of college
9. What was your biggest failure? Falling out of communication with my family
10. Did you suffer illness or injury? well, i started twitching a lot in Florida
11. What was the best thing you bought?
Shane's Christmas present :) but i'm not telling, so don't ask
12. Whose behaviour merited celebration? Hmmm...not sure. ask again later
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Jon, Dwayne, and a whole host of other incompetent males I shan't name here.
14. Where did most of your money go? car, school, food, presents
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? Thanksgiving break
16. What song will always remind you of 2005? Country anything
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? happier
ii. thinner or fatter? much fatter :'(
iii. richer or poorer? financially poorer, emotionally richer
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
independent exercising, chilling out, studying
19. What do you wish you'd done less of? procrastinating
20. How will you be spending Christmas?
Depends--might be splitting it between Shane's and my family's dinners
21. Who did you spend the most time on the phone with? Shane O:-)
22. Did you fall in love in 2005? For once, and for all.
23. How many one-night stands? I think only one (pre-Shane episode).
24. What was your favourite TV program? TV? what is this thing you speak of?
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Does my stat professor count?
26. What was the best book you read? Three Fates
27. What was your greatest musical discovery? Michael Buble
28. What did you want and get?
Someone to watch over me, and that my parents like and approve of
29. What did you want and not get? About 50 pounds lighter
30. What was your favourite film of this year?
Madagascar, Wallace and Gromit, Corpse Bride (seriously, those were the only movies I saw all year)
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
My birthday hasn't happened yet--how much does that suck?
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Losing about 50 pounds and being able to keep it all off without effort
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2005?
Grossly grungy--my hygiene still sucks.
34. What kept you sane? My friends
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Jennifer Garner
36. What political issue stirred you the most?
I hate politics almost as much as i hate statistics
37. Who did you miss? Mara, Katie, Emily
38. Who was the best new person you met?
Insane Ian, the infamous Alex Cecchetti, and Phil :)
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2005?
Money does not necessarily equal happiness. Tyring to make them equal is like trying to get opposite ends of a magnet to touch each other
40. Quote a song or lyric that sums up your year.
"Memories are little more than moments in the stream. Live the moment while you can, and thank the Lord you've had your dream. Moments and their memories are all that life leads to; live them, laugh them off, and start your life anew."
--Zombie Prom
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| Date: | 2005-12-12 22:55 |
| Subject: | |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: |  discontent | | Music: | Christmas carols--101.9 FM |
Recently, I decided I hate my face. I don't precisely know why, but I do. It seems to me that all my features are irregularly clustered right in the damn middle of my face, and there is a lot of "blank canvas" if you will, left over.
Then again, I hate the rest of me as well. My hair always looks greasy and unkempt, and hangs in a matted mess around my face, so I can't leave it down. But, if I put it up, I look like I'm going bald my hairline's so far receded. It's very upsetting actually. Moving on, my skin is a pallor that never has any color to it unless it's bright red, or bleach white. And it, like my hair, always looks like shit. I hate the shape of my face because it's too...big. There's too much of my face to match up and balance out my features. Take for example, Jacky. Her eyes are in the middle of her face, and her nose is below them, and her mouth below that. It's not like I'm Mrs. Potato Head and my features are in the wrong order, but hers are equally spread over her whole face. Shane is the same way. Since he has a narrow face, it helps that the shape of his face accentuates that. Sharp cheekbones, dark eyes, dark brows punctuate the canvas that is his face. it fills it up, and gives it some dimension. Then, there's people like TEKY. He has very expressive features that look like they have to squeeze to fit on his face--big smile, full cheeks, big bushy eyebrows that any Russian Jew would kill for. But, he also looks blank if he shaves his face. That also takes up space on the canvas of his face.
My face looks like an amateur artist tried his best at oil painting, and eventually failed the class.
My face doesn't even fit the rest of my body. Lord knows he gave me enough of the rest of me to fill the space, and He is adamant about letting that come off.
Funny how a few pictures can invoke such a strong destructive feeling, isn't it?
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| Date: | 2005-12-06 20:14 |
| Subject: | procrastinate much? |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: |  blah | | Music: | tackity tackity tack of keys |
 Dear Santa...
Dear Santa,
This year I've been busy!
Last week I ruled Asscrackistan as a kind and benevolent dictator (700 points). In May I ate my brussel sprouts (1 points). Last Wednesday ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) gods_dorkette and I donated clothes to the needy (11 points). Last Sunday I gave irteky a Dutch Oven (-10 points). In July I put money in edensnake1027's expired parking meter (14 points).
Overall, I've been nice (716 points). For Christmas I deserve a shiny red ball!
Sincerely,
bflatdim |
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This is it:
www.surprise.com
Use it. Love it.
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| Date: | 2005-11-15 14:56 |
| Subject: | a letter to my parents |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: |  determined | | Music: | whirring of the computer |
Dear Mom and Dad,
I have an F in Statistics. I know that's a shock to you, and that's what I have even after I turned all my late work in. It's too late to drop the class, withdraw, pass/fail, or audit. I need to know what to do, and as my parents, I'd like to know what you think.
Dad, you know what this is going to cost me on my final grade transcript for the year, even if I ace all the rest of my classes this semester, you've done the math. Go ahead and tell Mom if she doesn't already know. And in addition to all of that, that's still not going to be enough even if I ace all of my classes next semester as well. I've sought out a few people about this, and asked for their advice, and sadly, you're the last two people I've asked about this. Because of our busy schedules and the other two, we haven't had much time to talk about anything that's been going on in my life before I have to go to bed, or before the other one gives up and falls asleep at the kitchen table, or says "Shut up and go to bed." But I'm asking you now to please listen to me, and please don't interrupt me before I'm finished.
Over the last few months, I've had several things going on that have massively affected the way my life has been run. Let's start from March. Shane became my boyfriend, and so far he has told me no less that about 150 times since school started that he's not going to let me fail, fall, or give up. That's why he offered to help me with my Statistics work (which he did; if you don't believe me, I'll give you his home phone number and you can ask him and Ms. Karen yourself.) Even so, that's not what's holding me back. Then, we have the recent unpleasantness from over the summer--working too much, temporarily losing one of my jobs, and then being given the opportunity to return on a probationary trial basis. Some lessons I have to learn on my own--being fired was one I had hoped to avoid. Nevertheless, it happened, I dealt with it, and I have a few weeks left to make a decision. Next, there was the whole issue of my near loss of scholarship and the meeting with Sr. Patty, Dean of Students. That was resolved, more or less with the promise to improvise and implement a plan for bringing up my grades over the Fall '05 semester. She has thus been replaced by Dr. Leona Sevick, but that comes into play much later. Then, there's the added fact that I've put on way too much weight this summer.
That's slowing me down in a lot more ways that the blatantly obvious--people make fun of me (i.e. Ben and Danielle), people get worried about me (i.e. Curt), I get depressed because it hurts me physically to be able to do things that used to be easy (i.e. squats during weight lifting for swim team), and the basic fact that due to our busy lifestyles, we as a family aren't eating right to begin with. I've brought this to your attention multiple times, Mom, but what you just don't get is the main fact that diet food can only get me so far. It's easy to quit eating diet food because it tastes awful. Plain and simple. Because I've been doing the excercise to keep the weight off, now that swim team is back in session, the main reason why I'm still not losing weight is because I'm still not eating right. Just yesterday, from eating a decent breakfast and from having something substantial and healthy for lunch, I had a lot more energy yesterday in practice; if my theory is correct, if this continues, I'll be able to build more stamina, endurance, and strength that I can use to drop time, thus helping my team, and myself.
That's one thing that Shane said to me, that I haven't taken to heart until recently: you can't please everyone, so you have to start by pleasing yourself. Even doing the things that please me doesn't make me happy, because it makes everyone else mad, and upset, and most of all, disappointed. I want to be a professional masseuse. That's been my dream since the fourth grade, since people said I was good at it. It makes me happy to know that by exerting a certain amount of strength and finesse to the right area, I can free people of stress and pain, even if it is just for a little while. If I was getting daily, or even weekly massages, I'm sure I'd feel a whole lot better. But, I digress. If doing what I'm good at makes me happy, then why am I not doing it a whole lot more? Why am I not doing shows all the time? Why am I not a professional masseuse? Why am I not a voice major? Because I'm realistic. I knew going into college that I wanted to own my own business, like Dad does. I wanted to be my own boss, and have otgher people work for me, and beside me, like Mr. Jon does. Thus, I decided it would be important for me to become a business major. Jacky has said to me three times in the whole year and a half that I've known her, "Are you REALLY SURE you wanna be a business major? Because it looks like you hate it." Some of it, I do.
Take Statistics for example. It's MATH. I HATE math. I suck at it, and you both know it. But, I forced my way through the original stat course because it was required, and because I don't think I could ever imagine taking calculus instead.
Economics--the only thing I learned in BOTH Micro- and Macro- is that the US is about $8 trillion dollars in debt, and we're never going to have the finances to get out of it.
Marketing--you have to advertise to the right people. Find out what the right people are, and advertise to them. That was a class that I'll admit, was very interesting for me, and I found it particularly useful to have under my belt. Not saying I wanna go major in it, but hey.
Management--the first class I took in college. Great course, and the one that helped me the most. It taught me what it takes to be able to manage a business. Its only flaw was that it focused too much on corporate America. Oh, well.
Professional Communications--how to communicate with employees. Another good course to have, particularly now that I know exactly how to give a presentation in PowerPoint without flinching, and I could write a professional memo with my eyes shut.
Accounting--I HATE IT. It severely screwed up my perception of the checkbook. It's a good course to have, but I just don't get it. I probably never will.
Those are all the business courses I've taken so far, and more than half of them I've never been able to master, and by the time I do, I'll be dead. So, what would happen if I did something else?
That's the question my friends have asked me since day one. What if I find out that I hate business, and I'm stuck? Katie asked me that, and she's had the best idea since the day I first mentioned this to her. She said to me, "You should have gotten your massage therapist's certification first, the worked your way through college." Maybe that's the best idea. Maybe it's not. Jacky sat here with me just before I started writing this, and slammed me with a whole bunch of things I could do:
--quit all three of my jobs, swim team, everything, and just focus on school
--drop out of school for a semester and take time off to decide what is best for me to do
--go to Essex for a semester or several to get my GPA back up, and explore more options for careers
--get my massage certification and get a job, and forget college; maybe it's not for me,
but the most important thing she told me is (and I quote:) "For the love of God, do something that makes you happy." I don't know if I could do that, because being the realist I am, I know that the things that make me happy aren't going to pay the rent, the utilities, food, shelter, etc. The question is, what makes me truly happy?
Swimming makes me happy. I may b*tch and complain about it all the time, but I love it. Babysitting makes me happy. I'm naturally good at it; I don't know how I'd be on my own, but as a caretaker of a small child, I'm pretty good. Massage makes me happy. Like I said, being able to do the smallest thing to make someone feel better means the world to me. Singing makes me happy. Both of you gave me the gift of a pretty voice, and it shames me that it costs you to hear it, particularly since I started taking lessons to make it even prettier. Being on stage makes me happy. I'm good at that as well. I like being able to forget who I am for a few hours a day, and be someone else, take on their problems, meet new people. Being able to spend time with my family makes me happy. Nowadays, it seems like our family is divorced--we're never there for each other, and I miss that. I really do. Going on a vacation anywhere makes me happy. That's why I look forward to going to Florida--spending time in a place that's something I'm not used to seeing with people I enjoy being around, somewhere where I don't have a set schedule, and I can just relax. Being with my boyfriend makes me happy. Shane has done something that Matt, and Pat, and Chris never did--he understands me. He treasures our time together, no matter how fleeting it is. He CALLS ME BACK, for God's sake. He lets me know that he cares in the smallest of ways. He backs me, up, drags me along, smacks me when I need it, comforts me when I need it, and he never gives up on me. It's awesome that I've met my Waterloo when it comes to being stubborn, and can put my back up when it needs to be. He also has been able to give me something that no one else has--and that's his family. Because of that, I have another little sister, a big brother, a mom, a dad, a kitty cat, laughter, bonding time, a full meal. The one time I asked Shane to share my family, it was a blessing for him to see what we are when we're not doing a show, or running from point A to point B--to see what we're like as a family. That's also why I asked if he could come with us on Christmas, to mee the rest of our crazy family. Spending time with my friends makes me happy. That's not as easy to do anymore because they are so far flung. Jacky lives too far away for me to see her more often than at school every day, so we're only able to do what is allowed on campus. Katie goes to school three hours away, and has her own life, but still, she calls me at least once a week, saying she misses me, and tells me what's been going on in her life. Emily's three states north of us now, so she's only home for major holidays, and sometimes not even then. The only time she'll be home is for Christmas, then who knows when she'll be home? Andy's in Michigan, and I still hear from him every now and again, telling me what wild things his fraternity's been up to, what kinds of cars he's going to get to drive, what his love life is like, how much he likes or hates his classes, all the important stuff to know. Teky's close enough out of all of them, and we still do stuff, but things are still awkward between us, especially since he and Jacky started dating, and he's Shane's best friend. Mara, now that she's home from school, and working full time, I rarely see her anymore. She and I have, in a way, gone our separate ways, but we still have our common roots. It's the little things in life that I take the most pleasure in, and I'm just sorry that time, money, and career choices have prevented me from seeing all of them.
There are so many things I've tried to say with this, and I wish I could be coherent and eloquent enough to be able to say all of this in person, but I know I'd never be able to, at least without being stopped several times a sentence. The main point is, I don't know where my life is going to take me, and I'm at a crossroad. I love CND, I love my friends here, I love the athletic nature of the things I do, the campus itself if beautiful, and if I knew I didn't have to work here, and work hard, I wouldn't be in this pickle I'm in now. I don't know where I'm going to be at the end of my sophomore year of college. I don't know if I'm going to have the grades to be able to do what I want here, even if I work as hard as I possibly can. It seems as if my best isn't good enough yet again. Question is, what am I going to do about it? Should I say goodbye to college life, and just join corporate America for the rest of my godforsaken life, and hate every minute of it, or should I uproot and move on if that's the best choice? At eighteen, I may be an adult, but I'm a far cry away from being able to fully support myself, and I'm asking you, my parents and my guardians, what can I do to make everybody reasonably happy, be successful in whatever I choose to do with my life, and be able to move forward with my life?
Your daughter,
Renee
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| Date: | 2005-11-14 23:25 |
| Subject: | |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: | amused | | Music: | You Don't Know Me--Michael Buble |
I have two little fuzzy friends :)
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